If you are in immediate danger, leave and seek help. Your safety is more important than any arrangement.
Safety & Red Flags
While lavender marriages can provide safety and support, entering the wrong arrangement with the wrong person can create danger. Recognising red flags and prioritising safety is essential.
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Legal Recourse & Local Resources
Legal Protections
Domestic violence laws vary by state but all 50 states have civil protective order (restraining order) processes. LGBTQ+ individuals have full access to these protections.
Domestic Violence Helpline
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224)
LGBTQ+ Support
Trevor Project Crisis Line: 1-866-488-7386 | Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Reporting & Orders
You can report domestic violence, fraud, and immigration scams to local police. If your partner is using your visa status as leverage, contact USCIS directly.
Resources
Critical Red Flags in Potential Partners
Dishonesty or Deception
- Lies about basic facts (age, employment, marital status)
- Story changes or has inconsistencies
- Evasive when asked direct questions
- Won't video chat or meet (possible catfishing)
Action: End contact immediately.
Rushing or Pressure
- Wants to marry immediately or very quickly
- Gets angry when you want more time
- Dismisses your concerns as "overthinking"
- Discourages consulting an attorney or trusted friends
Action: Slow down. If they won't respect your timeline, walk away.
Financial Red Flags
- Asks for money before marriage
- Refuses to disclose their finances
- Gets defensive about a prenuptial agreement
- Significant debt or bad credit with no explanation
Action: Full financial disclosure is non-negotiable. If they resist, end the discussion.
Controlling Behaviour
- Wants to control who you see or talk to
- Monitors your phone, email, or social media
- Isolates you from friends and family
- Makes all decisions unilaterally
Action: This is abuse. End contact immediately and seek support.
Romantic or Sexual Expectations
- Expects a romantic relationship despite clear terms
- Makes sexual advances or inappropriate comments
- Believes they can "cure" or "change" your orientation
- Violates agreed physical boundaries
Action: Be crystal clear this is not romantic. If they do not accept it, end contact.
Anger or Aggression
- Explosive temper disproportionate to the situation
- Yelling, name-calling, or insults
- Threatens violence or self-harm
- Destroys property when angry
Action: This is an abuse indicator. Leave and seek help.
Safety Planning
Before and During the Arrangement
- Tell a trusted friend or family member about the arrangement
- Meet in public places initially — multiple times before any commitment
- Do not share your home address until thoroughly vetted
- Maintain financial independence and keep an emergency fund
- Keep important documents (passport, ID, financial records) in a safe place only you control
- Have an exit plan if you ever feel unsafe
If You Are Already in a Difficult Arrangement
- Document incidents (dates, descriptions, photos) in a secure private record
- Reach out to a domestic violence hotline — they help all genders and relationship types
- Consult a family law attorney before making any moves
- Contact your local LGBTQ+ organisation — they often have specialist legal referrals
Common Scams
- Financial scams: Asking for money, access to bank accounts, or loans before or shortly after marriage. Refuse any financial transfer to someone you haven't thoroughly vetted.
- Immigration fraud: Partner is only interested in obtaining a visa, residency, or citizenship. Signs include losing interest once paperwork is complete, pressure to marry quickly, and disappearing post-approval.
- Catfishing: Fake photos or identity. Won't video chat or meet in person. Reverse-image-search profile photos and verify identity before any commitment.
- Identity theft: Requests for sensitive personal information — SSN/NI number, passport details, financial account information — before trust is fully established. These should never be shared without specific legal necessity.